diversions - the archives

take me to the poetry

"Reading Without Tears", a clarification and disclaimer: In the light of numerous complaints, Sideline Publications would like to make clear that this is not, nor has never been intended as, a guide to rip-proof fabrics in the county town of Berkshire. Sideline Publications apologises for any confusion caused.

"Oh do please read again the bit where the sick old widower dies in poverty!" 1898 saw the publication of a seminal work of gritty realism for the Victorian nursery: "Reading Without Tears" (Part 1). Its mission is stated in the preface: "Great pains have been taken to render this book pleasing to children". We can only summise that these fin-de-siecle 4 and 5 year olds ("tender little creatures") were made of stern stuff, as the gruesome injuries pile up, and the body count rises steadily for their pleasure. Read about the author, Favell Lee Mortimer

But first, let us learn the letters of the alphabet. They are easy to remember with these helpful, and fairly bizarre descriptions. "d" is like a child with a wide frock behind, going away from you "e" is like a broken cup with a cover" "f" is like a little tree (let's face it, which letter isn't?) You can probably work out for yourself which letters are like: "a soldier marching with one leg forward"; "a candlestick with a bit at top broken off"; "a plant with a rose on it hanging down"; and "a small jar for flowers with one foot"..... Who could ever look at a monkey eating a cake again, without thinking of the letter "G"?

Den

Now we can read dozens of words and everyday sentences such as "I had a bun" and "Nan ran to a log". By page 109, we get a hint of what is to come.... "Bill hit a pig Bill hit a kid Bill will kill a pig" and a few pages later.... "Bill is a big lad Bill has a bad dog Get a rod. Hit a dog." Not much more is heard of Bill. In our times this would perhaps be because he had been taken away by the relevant animal protection and child welfare agencies...

There is very little death to be had in the next 20 pages or so. Fortunately, the child's interest is held by a few hazardous incidents:

"Jack hit his neck. Dick hit his hip. Tom got on the back of a big nag. Tom fell back. Tom got a bad kick on his neck. Tom is in bed."

By page 143, the infant is encouraged to read about their own mortality, no doubt as part of the great pains taken to render this book pleasing to them...

"God is on high.
He can see you.
You will die. Men will die."

The theme continues on page 184, where between...

"Will you get on my pony?
Patty will skip in the garden."

and...

"A slug is slow. A fox is sly.
Baby is fat. Kitty is slim.
Polly hid a bun in her pocket."

We get the unforgetable...

"God is in the sky.
No man can get up to God.
No man can go up to God by a ladder. It is so far to the sky.
The men in the sky are so happy.
The men in the sky never die, nor sigh, nor sob, nor sin.
The men in the sky see Jesus.
The men in the sky say, Holy, Holy, Holy.
If you go to the sky, you will never go away.
You will stay for ever.
God will not let in bad men.
Beg God to let you in."

Meanwhile Dick and Tom, ever prone to leg and head injuries respectively, have been unlucky again...

"Dick has a scar on his leg.
A hot poker fell on it."

"Tom fell and hit his skull. He has a scar on his skull."

Eager for more pig slaughtering, children? Look no further than page 192...

"A pig is greedy.
Did you ever see it at supper?
A man got a big can of slop for the pig. He filled a big tub.
The pig ran to the tub.
He sucked in the greasy stuff till his body was filled. So he got fat.
He is killed. He is cut up.
Bacon is a bit of his body.
Ham is the leg of the pig."

Before the corpse-strewn finale, some mealtime etiquette seems in order...

"It is not proper for you to have cutlets and salad at dinner.
Is jelly proper for me?
Yes, I will give you a cup of jelly."

Now, remember Jack, who hit his neck? On page 213, so as to "render this book pleasing to children" he gets to die suddenly...

"Dick fed his pony on clover in the summer.
He clipped his pony in the winter.
Jack will clamber up high trees.
Jack got to the top of the fir tree.
But he was dizzy, and he fell and snapped his neck.
So he was killed on the spot."

Just four pages later the body count climbs quickly...

"Six lads got into a waggon to go to a cot far away.
The lads had a sister Nelly.
The lads had a sister Peggy.
The sisters go in the waggon.
Snow drops on the way.
The waggon cannot go on.
The sisters lie in the waggon.
The sisters are frozen. The sisters die. The lads do not die."

By page 229, there's just time to pack someone else off to join the men in the sky, in this enchanting and moving vignette...

"Let us go, Fred, and see a sick man.
Let us go over the high stile.
I see Johnny at the gate. He is five.
He cries and says, 'Daddy is ill.'
The man says, 'If I die, will you take Johnny? His Mammy died in the winter. He has nobody to feed him.'
Yes, I will take Johnny.
The sick man is glad I will take him.
The sick man died, and Johnny cried.
We will feed Johnny.
We will try to keep him from evil.
We will speak to him of Jesus.
Johnny will not forget Daddy."

After that, what child is going to be happy with "Baby has blue socks on his feet. My sister made the socks", unless they are sustained by the secret hope that something ghastly is about to happen to either or both the baby or sister?

What does all of this tell us about the Victorian values from which our own have evolved. What light does it shed on our own supercilious sensibilities? Frankly, who cares. We just want to get hold of "Reading Without Tears" (Part 2). It promises to be a goldmine of late nineteenth century pre-school splatterpunk. Anyone got a copy?